the walking wounded

How many more times must we meet...

2012-02-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

When I took you aside and told you we have met a thousand years ago, it was not meant to be a pick up line. It was meant to be a reunion of two old souls.

Eventually, it was only I who recognised you, while you have no inkling of who I am.

The day we met for the third time, you stopped and looked at me. I wanted to say, as I did so many years ago: It is you.

You've come to me before, in different time zones and different countries. Within the span of six years, you've come in different names, shapes and sizes. In different bodies and nationalities.

Yet, no matter in who you manifest your soul, I never fail to recognise you.

We always seem to be caught in a similar scene - like an old movie replaying itself - international conference, chance encounter at the coffee machine, asking for hot water or cream.

In Dhaka, you were young, playful, eager to love. In Kathmandu, you were restless, bold and hungry for sex. In Georgetown, you were beautiful, like an arch angle. A little aging, perhaps.

You seem to appear at different stages of your life, to affect me in different stages of my own.

Do you come to challenge me or to give me strength?Why do you come in my darkest, loneliest hour?

When I am on the brink of sadness or contemplating suicide? When I am drowning in my own sorrows as if there is no tomorrow?

In Dhaka, you swept me off my feet and I fell in love; in Nepal, I felt the urgency to flee; in Georgetown, the pain of parting with you was achingly real, torturous, leaving me with a shattered heart.

It tells me that we may never meet again. That this is our last moment, after countless encounters and chance meetings, after loving madly then bruising each other, lifetime after lifetime.

A part of me died when you walk away from me that day.

In Dhaka, it had felt that we were crossing the rubicon, that we would be eternal soul mates; and in Kathmandu, you had turned quite violently away from me.

In Georgetown, I felt we had a history. A history of passion and pain. A history that left me with unhealable scars, unforgetful memories, sad reflections that have marred my skins.

Is this why you have failed to recognise me now? Is this why you remain oblivious to my existence although you continue to trail me?

Perhaps, in my haste to enter this world, in my rush to fulfill my destiny, I have forgotten to drink from the water of forgetfulness.

How many more times must we meet before your memory returns? Let me not wait another thousand years...

Because.

2011-09-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Because I love you, I am willing to suffer/You are unattainable although you are mine/Distance is the only space we know/and time, our pathways that never merge/Your country, my culture, eons apart/But I am your soulmate/Your refuge in times of ruin/End my sufferings, led me lead you/Let's leave the comforts of our own race/Let's brave the war raging between our histories/Let's meet somewhere in time where no one can find us/Where our tears can mingle, and our sighs, linger/Where our laughter can start a revolution/Where I can touch you. Freely. Devour you. Passionately/Where we could implode our hearts out to block out the darkness/Where I can love you/ Where you can love me/ Where nobody cares/

You tried to take the Malaysian out of me.

2011-08-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

YOU tried to seize the Malaysian out of me
When you ripped open my heart, with your racist fangs
YOU sucked my rainbow colored blood, chewed on my patience
And my tolerance
YOU told my neighbours, I am the enemy living next door
That I have sticks and stones and swords and guns
YOU whispered that I am a Communist out to maim them
That I am a terrorist out to bomb them
A fanatic Christian out to proselytise?
Would they ever be safe?
My neighbours believed YOU
They chanted along with your incantations
And while YOU invoked the memory of deaths, bloods and tears
They build a wall to reach the sky around me
They held on to their weapons, build barricades with their languages
Raised boulders with their cultures
While religion and race became their shield against my good intentions
They were prepared to go to war
To shoot, to slice, to kill
Believing that violence and hatred, are their only safe habour…

It made no difference that this too is the land
Upon which I was born; these skies were the first to hear my infant’s cry;
The red angsana trees and swaying palms
Rejoiced with the wind when I was given a name
This is where my blood would spill willingly
Where I would be buried at the ends of my days.

But the Malaysian in me fought back
My Merdeka spirit rammed into the walls of fear
My tears rained on the cobwebs of lies and suspicion
My neighbours must see my face, hear my voice, and feel my touch
To know we are not different; that I love them as my own
Though our colors vary, we struggled through the same history,
We suffered beneath the sword of that one oppressor
That to fight each other would strengthen the dictator

I must tell my neighbours that I would lay down my life for them;
That I would fight their battles, but they must be courageous too and
Stand by my side
That I would fight injustice, corruption, collusion
To see their generation prosper
But I need them to trust me, as I trust them
To tell them have faith
When a new dawn breaks over our dark skies
We would clasp our hands as Malaysians
No longer the enemy that we always thought
Were hiding behind the battle lines.

Happy Merdeka, yes! But first, merdeka from our own selfish selves!
* Merdeka = Independence in Malay.

Still.

2011-08-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

Bury me, lock me away
stash me underground
put iron bars and prison walls
around me
fasten the bolts
shut the windows
throw away the keys.
Still I shall breathe
Still I shall live
Still I shall speak of justice
Still I shall pray for freedom
Still I shall sing of peace.

Death.

2011-08-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Why do they cry for the dead?
Why so much sadness for one who's left
and refuses to return?
Tears should shed only for the living
who must suffer still on this damn cold earth.

Gladly.

2011-08-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

Comforting arms
kind heart
adoration and praise
a promise to be true
I would gladly forsake
for the rough seas
uncertain tides
stormy skies
and uneven plains
of your love...

Offer.

2011-08-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

I hope it satisfies you at least to call me old fashion, an old maid, and frigid
Just because I refuse to share my body with you for the mere sake of sex.
Sex you say is simply like food, a basic need, a glutton's galore
borne out of instinct, curiosity, desire.
Its activity, the sheer mashing of limbs and organs to satisfy a need.
We can still remain friends thereafter, you hint.
Instinct, desire, need...they are all pretty words BUT!
I'm sorry, I feel none for you. Creases gather over your forehead.
You asked : what then does it take to qualify for your body?
As if I am some silly competition you have to participate in and win
I say this isn't a game, and my bed, cold as it is,
is not a bloody playground
to slip under the sheets with me and share my pillow
is to melt under my skin, become a part of me, share my good and bad karma
it could be a fantasy bordering on nightmare,
But for all these, you need to skillfully touch my mind, you need to lovingly
speak to my heart, my dear heart
you have to meet me on a level playing field, at the soul level.
You must transcend the barriers of distance time and space
to meet me in a world that has no walls
and even if you could do all that, you still need to inspire in me the most
dashing element of all, which is love.
A love so bizzare and provocative
that the entire human race would catch its breath when we kiss
So...what is love, is all you could ask. You were bored already.
It's just a silly, childish notion, you say.
And this is where you are wrong.
Love is...
See, what an undescribable feeling it is!
It would only manifest itself in the realm of Magic, I say
Until you could draw me into your orbit
pull me in ways that are physical, mental, emotional and sexual
all at once, in a heartbeat
i'm afraid, your offer, to give me great pleasure, and a thousand orgasms,
is simply not tempting at all !

Heartbreak.

2011-08-16T02:58:00.000-07:00

When those who least inspire me, shower me with love, and affection I don't need, my heart breaks. I feel a vein burst, every pulse exploding like a bomb. To feel the absurdity of such meaningless acts, is to feel like dying a thousand deaths, only to fail at dying itself. When those the least I value tell me they miss me, or need me, they make me want to puke, as if to spit out years of servitude and slavery; In moments like these, I pray the ground would open up, and swallow me. Because their admiration, is not desired, nor wanted. Or even asked for. Their adoration, a mere sandiwara of pretence, trickery and lies. I cannot bear this heartache, which is worse than a lover's last goodbye. Its texture rough and razor sharp, cutting at my chest. Squeezing at my throat. Tearing at my brains. It leaves deep, open scars, wounds that bleed unstoppable. Memories broken and divided. I wish to tell them all to leave; forget me, please. These unwanted actors masquerading as my suitors. Stop the charade, bring down the curtains, vacate the stage! For I cannot be borrowed nor bought; I cannot be persuaded, lulled, seduced or threatened to succumb. Even if all the stars in the sky were offered to me on a golden platter, I must go to that one soul my heart has chosen to die for.

Note: Artwork by Susan Loone.

Exist.

2011-08-10T03:05:00.000-07:00

I permit YOU entry
into my WORLD
without even knowing
who YOU are
I envisioned YOU
and all you STAND for
before even knowing
your NAME
I adored you
from a DISTANCE
not knowing
which COUNTRY you came from
AND when you appeared
BEFORE me
how STUNNING you were!

You are not a DREAM
a FANTASY,
I conjured out of THIN air
every NIGHT you are the LIPS
I kissed
before I FELL asleep
so to have MET you
so SUDDENLY
out of TIMING, startled me
for I have LOVED you
DEEPLY
without even knowing
YOU exist.

Diary of a suicide.

2011-07-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

Jul 29, 2011

I'm breaking down
Like a spaceship would when it's sucked
into a dark hole
It is time like this when I wish
To leave on a one way ticket
To nowhere

Can I take leave from my physical body?
Can I walk out of my mind?
Can I abandon my soul and desert my heart?
Can I run far far away from life?

This is the year of total sadness
Where every attainment leads
To feelings of loss
Of being cruelly abandoned
Like a child in a forest
My soul has no place to rest
My spirit has been evicted
From its rightful abode

God, help me!
That I may not throw myself
over the cliff.

Jul 9, 2011.

I know this year hasn't ended yet. And yet I feel it has reached it's end.
This year is full of regrets, disappointment, sadness and hurt.
It feels as if a monster has reached deep into my ribs and pulled out my heart.
And in pulling it out, left it torn and bleeding.

This must be the year of the broken heart.

This is also the year that I feel old.
I do not usually feel this way.
I used to be a cheery gal. It takes very little to make me happy.
A teh tarik, a good book, a nice movie.
Maybe some paints and a canvas.

Most of the time, I just need some response and respect from the people that I love
especially friends, who profess to love me

This year, this does not happen.
For the first time, I feel such emptiness and regret.
I feel old, and useless and irrelevant.
I feel tired, exhausted, and even on a good day
I feel like a wreck.

Am I heading for a suicide?
Perhaps, I am already there.

Bogeymen.

2011-07-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in your bogeymen
Jews, Christians, Communists, Wahabis
You've been invoking their names
Whispering in my ears
But all I see in my nightmares are you
I have my own faith
I believe in myself
The more you threaten me
The more I cling to my faith
You say these bogeymen are out to colonise my country
that they would threaten my life, my security
My dreams, my livelihood
Then you throw my friends into jail
You detain even minors without trial
Your policemen beat up innocent people
Take their breath away with tear gas

Oh, don't get me started on all those who died
supposedly in your custody
Teohbenghock, Ahmadsarbaini, Aminulrasyid, Akugan,Baharudin
Do their lives mean nothing
Just a speck of dirt on your carpet?

You do nothing when prices of essential goods rise
You laugh when others are injured
You go on a shopping spree
gleefully
when your citizens struggle
from hand to mouth

So when you say these bogeymen are out to get me
I just lie back and have a hearty laugh
You have become your own bogeymen
And you don't even know the difference.

Spirit.

2011-07-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

Let me breathe you
into my lungs
with a passion
so powerful
I'm filled with tears

as if to guide you
into my soul
to become
my blood
race now to my heart
when you arrive
wait at the chambers
a door will open...

Enter my brains,
leave a dent in my thoughts
each footstep
piercing, conniving

you have colonised my mind
to believe only you
each waking moment
an adoration
of your name

how shall i describe you?
God, man or angel?

YOU are the most beautiful spirit
that ever walked this earth.

Penang, 4.26am, Jul 19.

Pen.

2011-07-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

THEY had come for our shirts
our ties, our banners and flags
they will now come for our pens
writers and poets like us
should fear
but we do not

THE pen is mightier than the sword!

THICKER than blood, our ink
words sharper than knives
opinions carry rays that could sting
clear the thickest fog

SWORDS may slit our throats
slice our hearts outs
and leave scars open

BUT ink that flows
from the tips of our pens
could start a revolution

FOR the message
of freedom, justice
are etched in our hearts
for generations.

CAN you stop the flow of tide?
Or the earth from spinning?

NOTHING can stop
the flow of words
Planets of ideas
spiraling around the sun
like stars, though dead, would shine
a million light years away.

SO...bring on thy swords.

SWORDS may silent
dissenting voices
fears may grow
in hearts of men
Still our pens will never run dry.
Still our words will flow
until the last blood.

Penang, 5am, Jul 18.

EO - is this law or is it politics?.

2011-07-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

I am baffled, confused, bewildered, lost
how could anyone wage war against the king
by using t-shirts?
don’t they need guns, bullets and even bombs?
don’t they need to have an army, soldiers at least?

They were caught while travelling in a bus
They did not come in an army tank
They wore sandals, not thick black boots
They didn’t wear uniforms like your Light Strike Force!
All they had in their hands
were bottles of water
Not a riffle!
Not a hand grenade!
Not even a whistle!

Tell me, how can t-shirts and leaflets
mere textile and paper
topple the government?

Have our leaders gone crazy, psychotic, neurotic?
Are they paranoid?
Do they need psychiatric treatment?

Is the need to grip power, to rule this country
With iron bars and iron fists
For the next 50 years
Made all and sundry in Putrajaya
Go mad?

Are our leaders so weak, so demented, so frail
So insecured, so childish, such cowards?
That t-shirts and leaflets
Give them nightmares, illusions
Made them wet their pants and wet their beds?

Or are they so blind, color phobic
that yellow, the symbol for free polls
the colors of the royal garment and all its wonderful shades
blind them?

You may be blind, Sirs, you may be myopic
but tear gas and chemical laced water
unleashed on the people on Jul 9
meant to blur, to cause hurt, and paralyse their vision
have opened up their eyes!

Release the EO6! Let them go!
You have nothing on them!

Your charge is meaningless, illogical,insane
The law is devoid of all natural justice
There is no justice
In detention without trial.

Guilty before even proven!
Is this law or is this politics?

If t-shirts, leaflets alone can make you shiver
I have news for you, my dear Ministers
Wait till you hear the voice of a million bomb blast
Come the next GE…
It would be too late, too late!
Penang, 3.39pm, Jul 13, 2011, Susan Loone.

Note:
E06 is term used to describe the six Parti Sosialis Malaysia activists who are detained under the Emergency Ordinance, like the Internal Security Act, it allows for detention without trial. An archaic and draconian law left behind by the British colonialists.

The crime of EO6: public disorder, but they were merely on their way to Penang to attend a forum. They carried T-shirts (with Che Guevera's image, fashionable among youths, really) & leaflets, related to Bersih 2.0. This movement planned a big rally in KL on Jul 9, to demand for electoral reforms.

EO6 were nabbed at the Sungai Dua Toll complex and were accused of waging war against the king. But the king later gave Bersih 2.0 an audience, offering them the stadium. Prime Minister Najib Razak however did not even allow that, a clear demonstration of insulting the king.

Since the king has somehow endorsed Bersh 2.0, does the accusation of waging war against His Majesty still stick? If it doesn't, please release the EO6.

Jul 9.

2011-07-10T02:05:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to the late Baharuddin Ahmad, a protester who died of a heart attack after being chased by police at the Kuala Lumpur City Centre. He was chased because he was part of the Bersih 2.0 rally on Jul 9. My heartfelt sympathies to his family, especially his wife, Rusni Melan from Setiawangsa. Though I may never know him, may his soul rest in peace.

I sacrificed my weekend
for the mere fantasy
of tasting
democracy
Instead of meeting
justice
I encountered mayhem

I wish I had the gift
of disappearing
when you rained tear-gas
on me
Instead of gifts
for my bravery
You fired me with cannisters
and whipped me
when I ran
Thank God
the sky open-up
and poured its mercy
on me
I took shelter in a hospital
I thought you would retreat
And still you came for me.

You chased me like a dog
You dragged me across the streets
as if I was a criminal
You kicked me
pulled my shirt
You could have asked me:
Why I'm here
I would have told you.
I would have cried
I am one of you
Wounded
Sick
to see my country .
in such
a sorry shape.

But you were too intent
on hurting me
You could have moved away
when I was coming
You could have been my guide
to a refuge
safe and free from tears

But like an unbridled
force
Angry and insane
I was pulled
into a never ending journey
in which you stood.

Bold and arrogant
flanked by trucks and water cannons
every creature
that walked the street
that day
had to shy or run away.

You should have looked away
You being human
Would one day come to need
This freedom, too.

Or did you think
that it is I
who should have fled at once?

If you had left
You could have halted
a major warfare
and gave this country
a fragrant name

But orders came
from one above
So you stayed.
You lingered.
stalled
And waited with bated breath.

You let me come quite hopefully
Infront of you

And then, you unleashed your terror.

Susan Loone, Penang, Jul 10, 2011, 2.43pm.

Cruel.

2011-07-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

"I sacrificed my soul
for the sheer ecstasy
of laying my sights on you
But now...
I wish I never knew
Of your existence

I wish I did not have
the gift of sight
and hearing
to have found you
so endearing.

You could have moved away
when I was coming
Or...was it I
who stumbled upon your path?
As if drawn
by an unstoppable force
as if blindfolded
into a never ending road
in which you stood.

Bright and brilliant.
Bold and beautiful
That even the golden rays
of the burning sun
had to shy away from you.

You should have turned away
averted your eyes
took flight
exited the nearest door

Or should I be the one
to flee at once?

You could have thwarted
a major pandemonium
of my battered heart.

But you did not.
You gleefully stayed.
lingered.
stalled
with bated breath.

You let me fall quite hopelessly.
Into you.

And then you laughed".

Susan Loone, Penang, 2.00am, Jul 10, 2011.

Note:
Why do you have to meet someone who impacts you so much. Only to be left behind as if the episode of your acquaintance had never happened?

Mayhem.

2011-07-08T23:53:00.001-07:00

Bring on the tears gas,
Water cannons
Riffles, batons,
And handcuffs.
Bring on your shackles
Drag us through
The streets of KL
See us bleed
See us scream
But you’ll never see us cry

Bring on your evil threats
Coward’s smile
You can do anything,
Bastards
But you cannot
Quell our voices
Kill our courage
Suppress our spirit
Clip
These wings of justice.

For we are free!
Free People!
Brave hearts!
Truth is our master!
Not you!

So!
Bring on your might
Your terror,
Your laws
Bring on your spite.
Nothing can quell the right!

Note:
Susan Loone, Penang, 2.50pm, Jul 9, 2011.

Read the story behind this poem here: http://sloone.wordpress.com/2011/07/09/mayhem-in-kl/

Clean.

2011-07-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

May the universe
be kind
merciful
pour forth thy tears
cool those heartless
hearts
May raindrops
fall on parched lips
drench those empty souls
Wind,
blow mighty, swift
wrap those angry bodies
make them warm
Sun, shine brilliant
bright
blot out those cruel
minds
fill their thoughts
with love
for freedom
Shine! glitter! blaze!
Blur their vision
Until they see
nothing
but a sea of change
sweeping the whole city
CLEAN.

Susan Loone. Penang, Jul 9, 1.24am.

Note: Only a few hours away to the mighty rally. Jul 9 would be a wonderful day to remember, whatever the outcome. The world sits and watches. There would be 24 rallies in solidarity with Bersih 2.0 worldwide.

Instead of joining in the fun, PM Najib Razak has left the country in the hands of the IGP (police). To maintain order or to create chaos? One shall have to wait and see.

I just wish and pray that the police personnel, those who have families, friends, and those whose hearts are yet to be corrupted - may see the light. Perhaps, their hearts too are longing for change. I pray with all my heart and soul that someday our men and women in blue would stand on the side of the people.

I pray they would be merciful to the Bersih 2.0 protestors tomorrow.

This poem is a prayer that the Universe may pour forth the water of kindness and truthfulness into their hearts and soul. To open their minds and eyes, and to realise that they too are a part of the rakyat, and we are with them.

ps. We do pay for their salaries with our hard earned money!

Goodnight for now, and see you later :-)

Refugee.

2011-07-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

Am I a refugee
In my own country
Hounded, searched, trailed
and probed?
Handcuffed
Shackled
Questioned, jailed
punished, tortured
Spat upon, sneered at
Forced to strip,
left naked,
Hungry and thirsty?

Tell me:
What is my crime?
Spell it out!
Charge me in court!
Don't hide me here
In your smelly dungeons
Then call me cowards!
Bastards!

Should I flee
like a refugee?
From my own country?
Should I leave behind this
Godforsaken land?
The grass is greener
The sun shines brighter
On the other side.

My heart holds me back
My future needs me
The cries of my people
say "don't go".

I'm not a refugee
In my own country
I am the sons
and daughters of the soil
The sands and hills
On which my parents toiled
for generations
with their bare bloody hands.

Susan Loone, Penang, 12.56am, Jul 8, 2011.

Note: Please read the story behind this poem here.

Dedication.

2011-07-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

Go! Go! To the mighty river
I go
Drink from the water of life
I shall
Embrace the colors of dawn
I must
The journey is long
I know
The enemy is nigh
I see
Courage, come now
My guiding light be
I'll follow the signposts of justice
Arrive in peace
I will.
So fear me not.

Note: The Bersih 2.0 rally on Saturday (Jul 9) for electoral reforms is only hours away. Many of my friends and acquaintances would brave police threat and government abuse to join the event. All they want to do is express solidarity and fight for clean and fair elections. Is that so wrong?

PM Najib, like the Monarch, could have handled the matter gracefully. But Najib chose to use brute force. Worst still, he is leaving everything in the hands of the police and going overseas tomorrow. Is that responsible? Anyway, Malaysia is now officially a police state, going by all the arrests and crackdown over the past two weeks.

This simple poem is dedicated to all those who would brave the storm and join the rally on Saturday. May the force be with you. May courage be your guiding light. And if the monsters put bars around you, remember, truth, only truth will set you free.

March on fellas!

Eureka !

2011-07-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

"i have found you! i have found you!
the thought alone excites me
to know you exist in this part of the world
is a thought so amazing, divine
we breathe the same air, sleep under same stars
that is why, I had always felt you near
We may never touch base
but i know that you live, oh god, you're alive!
in this lifetime with me, on the same planet
similar time zones, only three hours away.
how precious you are, how beautiful
that i almost couldn't recognise you
but to meet you again, to be with you,
is an incredible feeling, one that surpasses
all the happiness i have known.
how i love you! adore you!
i feel like exploding
inside my heart's core
can i keep you, could i lose you?
it doesn't matter anymore.
you are alive, alive! and you are here".

susanloone, 6.34 pm, Jul 5, 2011, Penang.

Speak!

2011-07-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

In times of great oppression
I must never keep silent
For silence is surely consent
A YES! to persecute violate
An OK! to abuse and lies.

Speak my people, speak!
Let your voices fill each home
Each street
Let the shouts of freedom
Resonate
Leave no nook or corner
stone or stick
Unturned.

In times of great suppression
Gloom
Your silence will only spell doom
Fear not!
Bring out the drums
Ring the bells
Let the cymbals clash

In times of great distress
Empower, yes!
Freedom of the press

Cry, sing, dance!
Let a billion heartbeats
Pound!

Together, let's scream!
Cruel creature!
Ugly beast!
Your time is up!
It's over!
Now BEGONE!

Note:
At the time of writing this, I am saddened that Bersih organisers are again called into submission. The rally on Jul 9 may be called off, but will our hearts stop beating?

Susan Loone, Penang, 3.45am, JUL 5.

Awake & fight!

2011-07-03T01:13:00.000-07:00

Darkness has descended upon our nation
sadness has overwhelmed our hearts
madness has seized the minds of our leaders
it's time to wake up & fight.
Empty the closets of apathy
bring forth the weapons of courage
gather all ye soldiers of peace
arise for the monster is nigh!

Awake! tarry no more!
fight with all your might
till the last of your spirit and breath
blow over all evil and harm
Flow! flow! the blood of righteousness flow
Awash this misery and sins
may our blood become the mighty floods
drowning, drowning the unjust!

my people, the time for slumber is over
wake up! go forth! carry the banner of justice!
march! fill the streets with the colors
of the bright brialliant sun
for victory is nigh.
for victory is ours!
tarry no more!

penang, Jul 3, 2011.

Note: The manner in which Prime Minister Najib Razak has handled the Bersih 2.0 issue has deeply angered me. Initially, I was not too keen on Bersih, too. The idea of asking the king to intervene in a democratic process for and by the people (elections) to me was rather a backward kind of thinking. The color yellow itself connotes and represents feelings and situations such as "slavery, submission, fear and cowardise". However, in the face of extreme injustice - the police crackdown on anything remotely Bersih - makes me take a stand. We must not be neutral in the face of cruelty or else we would be siding with the Oppressor. Hence this poem, and the need for the fighting spirit to take flight.

Now the king has asked all sides to “lay down arms”. His Majesty has somehow ticked off Najib and his administration for the handling of the matter. Even if Bersih calls off its march on July 9, it would still have claimed moral victory. Najib, shame on you. Only a weak leader would resort to such monstrous responses to citizens merely excercising their rights in the country’s Constitution.

Najib appears to want to be even on top of the highest law of the land. The police, with salaries paid by citizens, have taken the side of the Oppressor. It does not bode well at all for our nation. The arrests of PSM Sungai Siput MP D Jeyakumar and others under the Emergency Ordinance for causing public disorder is madness.

I am optimistic though that justice would prevail. In history all dictators will succumb to people’s power. Sacrifices have to be made but at the end of the day, the power, warmth and the sting of the rising sun would blot out all evil. Be ready for the day, my friends. Because the time is near.

Karma.

2011-06-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

You've come to me again.
And I, having not learnt my lesson,
Embraced you with all my heart.
We've met in different worlds
You came with different names

Tell me, are you stalking me,
or could it be that I simply cannot escape you?

Time passes and lapses
gone are a thousand faces.
Yet I have found you in the oddest of places.

How can I explain the feeling
of having met you before,
of having loved you to death
and suffered in your hands?

This history, unwritten, between us
is a history of passion and pain
A feeling that leaves me with unhealable scars
unforgetful memories,
reflections that marred my skins.

Is that why you have failed to recognise me now?

Yet you are bend on stealing my soul.
Dear God, let me drink from the water of forgetfulness
So I may recognise you no more.

Note: from Wikipedia.
Some ancient Greeks believed that souls were made to drink from the river before being reincarnated, so they would not remember their past lives.

Art: 'Lovers' by Susan Loone (2001).

Sky.

2009-10-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Is this a vision of things to come?
Waves of fire
Raging in the sky?

Is this the climate change
Everyone fears
Yet know not what to do
But whine?

Or is this just my mind
Warning me
To wake up early
Touch the sky
Smell the roses
Say 'I love you'
Eat, dance, breathe...

Before the earth catches fire.

* Image is a photo of Bangkok City at dawn.

Invoking May 13.

2009-05-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

40 trips around the sun
Is the earth ready to forgive thy sins?

Must we invoke thy deadly name
over and over and over again?
like a spinning wheel
will it ever stop?
generations come, they leave
yet thy cruelty remains intact

Must we invoke thy bloody name
when all that comes to mind are these:
massacre. blood. tears.
anger. rage. death.
keris. umno. tun razak. nep?

Is it time yet to bury thee
within the dungeons of our minds
Shall we throw away the keys
to the door that opens a thousand wounds

Or should we always keep them open?
its sight to remind us all
there’s a limit to human patience
that amidst a borderless world
are boundaries to tolerance

Thy face is but a blur and yet
40 years and still thy name
taste like bitter portion on our tongues.

May 13, 2009, Bangkok.

Revolutions never die

2009-04-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

(image)

(in memory of all the women and men who fought for our Independence)

Souls may rest in peace
but revolutions go on
they trickle into our blood streams
invade every organ
creep into our minds
sowing seeds of doubts
its roots growing inwards
to reach a generation...

Just as the forests grow quietly
calling its dead,
calling its living
a thousand questions
continue to haunt
A million souls cry
never forsake!
never abandon!
this quest for freedom!

You can hear them sing:

"I laid down my life for you
I let my blood trickle
I let it soak the earth
So your rivers may never go dry

"Guns exploded in my heart
Riffles shattered my dreams
To give you Independence
To give you reality".

"You may wipe out history
You may burn its memories
You may bury us
At the altars
Of your Twin Towers"

"Yet
My bones
remain fresh
Your children
Remember my name".

Indeed
souls may rest in peace
revolutions may sleep
but they never die.

Narathiwat, Thailand
29 oct 2006

Where do you come from?

2009-04-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

(image)

Must they always ask me where I come from?
I do not give answers
For my tongue like wounded snakes
Is tangled
inside these wiry barbs

What use is it, I ask, this is a camp of thieves
They have stolen my life
my freedom
But want to know the origin of man?

I come from Ethiopia, China, Greece, I want to say
Show me a map, and I will show you my home
But oh, they will cut my veins
And suck them, like wolves, under the moon

[It doesnt pay to be an Einstein here]

You read history books, eh, they smirk?
Poking me with the phallus ends of their riffles
What is the point of arguing?
that my language is far more superior than theirs?
that the color of my skin is by far the fairest of all?

Didn't you come from blood, too, I want to ask?
Like me, you too were flushed from your mother's womb
Streaks of red blanket you as you wail
For red is the color of blood, of genes, and DNAs
Does it matter if you are white, yellow or blue?

Ask not where I come from, you swine
There is only one way to enter this earth
Have you forgotten what it was like to crawl
out of your mother's thighs?

A knock on my head and the floor is my ocean
Must you always ask where do I plan to go?
Inside these walls, can I even breathe?
Which direction, you shout
Oh, I am always at the cross roads, I cry
left or right, what if I make a wrong turn?

Wherever you turn, my little friend
He finds you
He waits with bullets in his eyes
You see your name flash at the signpost
He's waited a lifetime for you
You can't even run nor hide
You can try to cheat him
But he finds out
He forgives and takes you back
No lover is more faithful.

26 April 2009, Bkk, wireless road, 7.31pm.

Poem about an absent lover

2009-04-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

The moment you walk out that door
I run to collect my things

And you would think, I'd be tagging along
But, no...no sir

I've booked a single ticket to nowhere

Destination: To explore the depths of my ocean
To cross the length of my space
in a life time

In this emptiness you leave me, it's time I discover
The very essence of who I am

If I had always tagged along with you
I would have found my journey hampered

These thighs would grow fat and heavy
You will lead me by the hands, blind folded

I’d be following signposts
You'd be steering the wheel

All my heart's desires
Would be stucked in traffic jams

I would have ended up a complete fool,
lazy, unimaginative, uninspired.
complacent. perhaps satisfied.

I would have ended up loving you to death,
but hating myself.

Now I've come to like this distance
These absences you leave me
Are precious gems

For there is life beyond you
Love beyond me
Dreams that give me wings,
Thoughts that make my heart take flight

Does it really matter
If I fly with you or without you?

We are after all, one soul in two bodies
One spirit, caught between worlds...

What if
You never come home,you ask?

I say:
But I am home.

23 April 2009, wireless road, bangkok, 2.37am.

The ultimate love poem

2009-02-03T22:44:00.000-08:00

I embraced you
Like I would a new religion
My faith in you grew like an unperturbed mountain
There were times when I tossed around
like a ship in a turbulent storm
yet I clung to the sails of your arms
Believing, like God, you would save me

Who would have thought despite our closeness
I could lose you
Until I cannot see you or smell you or even talk to you.
Your image appears to me like a monument
It is there but it is not alive.
Unwilling to be deceived, I look for your shadow
To see if I am blocking you from the sun
But all I can see is a pattern of myself
And you are not there

I tried to find excuses for your disappearance
I lied to myself that perhaps,
Being soulmates
You had slipped under my skin;
became my sweat along with my blood
So I rubbed my hands to see if you would appear.
I thought I had been cruel,
perhaps greedy and selfish
That while breathing unconsciously
I inhaled you from the air
I tried to spit you out from my mouth
I wanted to feel you and taste you again
but I could not
Not ever could I regain consciousness of your presence
All my attempts to resurrect you,
re-enact you in my life failed miserably

I forgot that you are merely human,
not an angel
You are not God
neither are you a spirit.

That being human, you could have died.
That you could have left, without saying goodbye.

For Isham

2008-11-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

(image of painting at Hishamuddin Rais' BBC Cafe in Pasar Seni, Kuala Lumpur)

When he was ISA detainee in 2001.

"Your name is freedom but they tear your wings
And keep you captive in a golden cage;
they hide your radiance under a table
and drown your fragrance with their sweat
Why do they need to leash you
when you will not harm them?
Though they chain you with fury,
and dictate your every move,
your consciousness could never be curtailed...."

II

“It is not fair that I should be here and you
- behind those cold prison bars
It is not right that I should be free
to feel the sun glare in my face
the wind wild in my hair
the rain soaked on my skin
but you - alone behind those iron curtains
can feel nothing.
If you could fly or walk
without your hands being cuffed
you would be on the streets
you would sing your songs
you would write about freedom
you would tear down these walls
of injustice
you will silence the terror
with your bare hands
you would build a new world.
But I, being free, do not know
what to do
do not know if indeed
I am free.
Let me take your place
behind those iron bars
let me pay the price
for you behind those prison walls
let me be the one
to languish in this darkness
for unlike you,
I do not know
what to do with this freedom"

Susan Loone, Bangsar (May 15)

Balochistan

2008-11-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

"a hand woven dopata from baluchistan

a fine piece of cloth, from dera bugti

where a civil war between the military and freedom fighters

continue to claim lives (www.balochvoice.com)

i had chosen this cloth among so many others drapped before me

i had felt the sufferings of the womenfolk

who usually take months to sew a piece of artwork like this

which makes me think how fortunate i am to be me

how lucky i am to be always safe and sound

not ever knowing what it feels like to have a bomb

explode in your backyard

and see the remnants of your children scatter around you ..."

Angel.

2008-06-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

Image from www.illusionsgallery.com

Beyond the Garden of Eden
In a world of
Wandering souls
You were an angel
But your tender wings
Were struck one night
By chunks
Of falling star dust
You plunged into earth
Poor angel
I caught you in my arms
Took you home
And nursed you back to flight
Then underneath dark blankets of night
You would watch over me.

I summoned God one day
In silent prayer
I beseech
I wished to give you
My woman's love
My woman's kiss
But God will never grant
Sweet angels
To deign with human beings.

I cried silent tears
Feared my own delusions
To know I cannot have you.

I still see you
From afar
In one corner of the sky
Radiating light
Your wings gently guiding
Wandering souls
Into their heavenly abode.

I am still wandering
Waiting for the time
When God will set you forth
Upon this earth
As human
To save lost souls
like mine.

Voyage.

2008-05-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Image from allposters.com

I shall not fight the tides that go against me
I shall ride along with the rushing waves
I shall let the whirlpool swallow me from under my feet
I shall be swept by the currents in the midst of the sea
I shall set my sail to follow the wind
I shall not anchor till this voyage is done
When the sun sets far beyond the horizons
And seagulls fly south
I shall drift unto shore
For there alone is my home.

Country.

2008-05-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Great image from Grom Airiss.

I have only one life
One body
To give to my country
I have many sighs
Many dreams
To share with my family
There are endless
Hills
Rivers and forest
To seek
With my loved ones
I have poems
And hymns to sing for
Independence

If we could live through this life
Not knowing about justice
If we could walk through this earth
Not knowing about freedom
Then may this ground
Under our feet
Open up
And pull us in
May the sands, the rocks
Mountains
And seas
Avalanche
And bury us.

Ethereal.

2008-05-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

Image from here.

Love is warm, ethereal
With you as my sun
Centre of cosmos
Your planets wander graciously into
My celestial spheres
Come bathe with me beneath
Meteoric showers
Dare with me these nightly revolutions
Of flying comets, lets dance between
Wavering brightness of moon and stars
When you plunge into dark voids
Of eternity, I will be there to catch you
Love is beautiful, eternal
With you as my earth
Time has no history
And space
Has no Walls.

Tsunami.

2008-05-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

image from homepage.mac

Do not resist me
i am the tides of change
come to sweep over you
i am the rebel
of your ancient thoughts
i am the earthquake
eager to tear
the iron shrouds
around your frightened heart
swim in me
i am the cruel sea
you will drown
within the whirlpools
of your ignorance
catch me then
within the cyclones
of my arrogrance
i am the voice
always taunting
your stubborn myths
that you may transverse
the boundaries
of your consciousness
and free yourself
from the prisons
of your stereotypes
do not resist me
for i am you
and i am within you
if you turn me away
truth will come naked
in the night
when you ride on a train
off to the dark ages
of your death…

*Previously published as winds of change.

Suicide.

2008-05-24T12:48:00.001-07:00

Image from suicide.

Why can't I treat this like poetry? Just take a razor blade between my fingers and slash it across my wrist;Watch blood gush like a stream of red wine down my arms; Can you tell the difference between the smell of fresh blood from cheap perfume?

Why can't I treat this like any other activity?

I could throw myself off a cliff while whistling;
I could jump off the bridge, laughing in the nude;
I could dance across a busy street while the traffic lights turn green;
I could drink poison, pretend it tastes like honey.
I could drive my car blind-folded as if I am riding a plane
I could speed around a dangerous curve and crash into a tree.

Why can't I treat this like religion?

I could light candles and burn incense at the altar
Recite the rosary a million times backwards, swear upon the bible
I could even emulate Jesus by walking bare-footed on water
I could climb the railings of an eighteenth floor apartment balcony

And step out into thin air.

Merdeka!

2008-05-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!
Adpakah ia hanya retorik?
Bangsa Malaysia, hanya mimpi
Sekiranya esok kamu pulang ke UMNO
ke MCA, GERAKAN
MIC kepalang
Sekiranya esok UMNO masih menjajah
Racisme masih menjalar
Korupsi tetap megah
Mungkin Merdeka hanya di bendera?
Atau di bibir politik yang berdarah
Sekiranya esok, kuil dan kampung
Masih dibakar, di roboh
ISA masih menghantu
Mahasiswa masih di kongkong
Kebebasan suara
Tetap berkubur
Sekiranya esok
Keadilan masih dijual beli
Maka Merdeka hanyalah kartun
Dan kami si-bodoh tetap dijajah!

Homeless.

2008-05-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

Image from hwupdate.org

"With an earth like this, who needs hell...?"

These days they attack me
even in my home
why then do they say:
‘there is no place like home?’
i am robbed in my playground
raped in my school,
bombed in cinemas
bus stations
flea markets
and shopping malls
i am the target
no matter who i am
is there a safe place for me to play?
please show me the way

i need refuge
yet no place on earth is safe
your government says I can stay for awhile
yet I am harassed
manhandled
embarrassed
in your airports

i may work for your people
yet I can be whipped
if my boss does not have my papers
from a human being
with dignity
i am reduced to an animal
they call 'the undocumented’

how can you call this place earth
for me it’s a big battle field
sometimes there are no guns
but too often i am killed
not by bullets
but ignorance
by hatred
discrimination
racism
inhumanity
pride

sometimes it depends on which side you’re on
take sides they say
as the ones without sides are the ones hurt the most

so I took sides
and it seems there is no difference
except for the battle of egos

with an earth like this
who needs hell?
no one speaks anymore
all want to play safe
but to play safe for you
is to put me in danger
yet why shoud you care?
thinking of others is not compulsory
these days, such attitudes
are as scarce as the land we all seek
as elusive as the word ‘peace’

previously published in free woman.

Dawn.

2008-05-24T11:44:00.001-07:00

Image from capetownskies

In the misty curtains of dawn
My soul stirs

Escaping a yawn

Wind blown images
Fade from a twilight screen

I weep

Over the death
Of my dreams.

Prostitute.

2008-05-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Image from biblepicturegallery.com

If my only mission
On this earth
Is to warm the
Bodies of men
Then let this fire
Consume me
Burn my bones
Afterwards
Throw my ashes
Into the river
Of slumps
Let the history
Of men
Judge my deeds.

Galaxy.

2008-05-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

Image from cbc.ca

Waves rush like
Colours
In the universe of mind
Sandy shores stretch the length
Of thoughts like
Endless void in the
Space of time
Earthly perfume appeals
A kaleidoscope
Of passions
In the galaxy of hearts
The moon spins
Deosil
On its axis
And stars waver
A million light years away
Planets still wander
Mysteriously
In their orbits
Asteroids still collide
On terrestrial paths
Like men at war
And we wonder:
Does God really exist?

Witch.

2008-05-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

Image from geocities.com

A communion of souls
Took place between
A holy man
And impious woman
In a painter's dream
Two fires fused
Into one body
One blood
This dish was
Relished in a banquet
Of lust
The painter begun to paint
Two images of horror
Emerged
In bright, luminous colors
A witch
Set a-flame
Found refuge
In the arms
Of a man
Who is
The karmic replica
Of Jesus Christ.

Catholic.

2008-05-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

Image from goodcatholicgirls.com

I must teach you this
Religion, my love
Let's begin with the
Chapter on Solomon
How would a man respond
To a woman's wild instincts
Desires itching
Underneath her skin
I want to show you
That love between us
Is the only mission on earth
That it is holier to be my soul-mate
My friend and my lover
Than being a staunch catholic
With me, you will master
The theology of a kiss
How to capture my tongue
And chase it behind your lips
Let me convince you
That this body of mine
Is the only church
That will educate
The catechism of sense
What you will witness
When our altars collide
Is a trilogy of love, of life
And of lust
Perhaps, you do not know yet
The beatitudes of love-making
Come, I will show you
Let me baptize you
Spray my blessings over
Your fingers, your mouth
Your scent will excite me
Just trace my contours
Here, I will guide you
Give me your hands
Delve into each dent
Explore every corner
Body Braille me and
Drown with me in
A communion of love
Let me eat your body
Let me drink your wine
Let me hear you sing
Hymns of ecstasy
In our most precious names
May the breath
Of the loving spirit
Descend upon us then.
Amen.

Lover, let my poems
Be your daily verses
Let my testaments lead you
Like an archangel
Let me escort you
Into new frontiers
Into realism
Far beyond the chasms
Of spiritualism
I was born into this world
As a woman of great faith
My faith in your manhood
Supercedes any mustard seed
Let me help you unearth
The tombs of your sexuality
So deeply entrenched
Below the garden on your chest
Let me carve open, let me unleash
The passions asleep
Let me unclip the wings of a dove
Quivering between your thighs
Alas! You will discover
The truth and the wisdom
The essence of being
Truly human
O, sweet child of love
This holy sacrament
Most sacred of all
Was never made known
To staunch Catholics like you.

Sleepwalk.

2008-05-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

Image from mentalfloss.com

I sleepwalk on a rainbow
And fell through an illusion
I thought I had landed
On a pot of gold.
The rainbow vanished
There was no Gold
Only wisp of colors
And more illusions.

You

2008-05-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you were the shore
I would be the waves
Repetitively
Rushing to you
Bobbing, in cascading dances
I want to embrace you
With my loving foam
I want to mount you when the tides are high
Under Ms. Luna's bright smile
I'll drag you
And all the grains of sand
Into the ocean

Wait for me
I will come rushing
Even when the tides are low
And Ms. Luna is sad
You'll see
In moments like these
Even the rocks
Would understand my plight
My constant strife with them
As I clash and run to you

If you count the number of times
I run to you, then turning my back
But realizing my folly
I would run to you again
You will know
That even if all the heartbeats
And nerve pulses
Of the entire human race
Were strung together
Nothing can compare
To the hundreds of ways
I would come and go
Withdraw and dash
Chasing myself
Over and over again
Eternally crashing
Into your sands
If only to touch you
Embrace you
Hold you
My shore.

* waves rushing to shore.