You tried to take the Malaysian out of me.

YOU tried to seize the Malaysian out of me
When you ripped open my heart, with your racist fangs
YOU sucked my rainbow colored blood, chewed on my patience
And my tolerance
YOU told my neighbours, I am the enemy living next door
That I have sticks and stones and swords and guns
YOU whispered that I am a Communist out to maim them
That I am a terrorist out to bomb them
A fanatic Christian out to proselytise?
Would they ever be safe?
My neighbours believed YOU
They chanted along with your incantations
And while YOU invoked the memory of deaths, bloods and tears
They build a wall to reach the sky around me
They held on to their weapons, build barricades with their languages
Raised boulders with their cultures
While religion and race became their shield against my good intentions
They were prepared to go to war
To shoot, to slice, to kill
Believing that violence and hatred, are their only safe habour…

It made no difference that this too is the land
Upon which I was born; these skies were the first to hear my infant’s cry;
The red angsana trees and swaying palms
Rejoiced with the wind when I was given a name
This is where my blood would spill willingly
Where I would be buried at the ends of my days.

But the Malaysian in me fought back
My Merdeka spirit rammed into the walls of fear
My tears rained on the cobwebs of lies and suspicion
My neighbours must see my face, hear my voice, and feel my touch
To know we are not different; that I love them as my own
Though our colors vary, we struggled through the same history,
We suffered beneath the sword of that one oppressor
That to fight each other would strengthen the dictator

I must tell my neighbours that I would lay down my life for them;
That I would fight their battles, but they must be courageous too and
Stand by my side
That I would fight injustice, corruption, collusion
To see their generation prosper
But I need them to trust me, as I trust them
To tell them have faith
When a new dawn breaks over our dark skies
We would clasp our hands as Malaysians
No longer the enemy that we always thought
Were hiding behind the battle lines.

Happy Merdeka, yes! But first, merdeka from our own selfish selves!
* Merdeka = Independence in Malay.

Still.

Bury me, lock me away
stash me underground
put iron bars and prison walls
around me
fasten the bolts
shut the windows
throw away the keys.
Still I shall breathe
Still I shall live
Still I shall speak of justice
Still I shall pray for freedom
Still I shall sing of peace.

Death.

Why do they cry for the dead?
Why so much sadness for one who's left
and refuses to return?
Tears should shed only for the living
who must suffer still on this damn cold earth.

Gladly.

Comforting arms
kind heart
adoration and praise
a promise to be true
I would gladly forsake
for the rough seas
uncertain tides
stormy skies
and uneven plains
of your love...

Offer.

I hope it satisfies you at least to call me old fashion, an old maid, and frigid
Just because I refuse to share my body with you for the mere sake of sex.
Sex you say is simply like food, a basic need, a glutton's galore
borne out of instinct, curiosity, desire.
Its activity, the sheer mashing of limbs and organs to satisfy a need.
We can still remain friends thereafter, you hint.
Instinct, desire, need...they are all pretty words BUT!
I'm sorry, I feel none for you. Creases gather over your forehead.
You asked : what then does it take to qualify for your body?
As if I am some silly competition you have to participate in and win
I say this isn't a game, and my bed, cold as it is,
is not a bloody playground
to slip under the sheets with me and share my pillow
is to melt under my skin, become a part of me, share my good and bad karma
it could be a fantasy bordering on nightmare,
But for all these, you need to skillfully touch my mind, you need to lovingly
speak to my heart, my dear heart
you have to meet me on a level playing field, at the soul level.
You must transcend the barriers of distance time and space
to meet me in a world that has no walls
and even if you could do all that, you still need to inspire in me the most
dashing element of all, which is love.
A love so bizzare and provocative
that the entire human race would catch its breath when we kiss
So...what is love, is all you could ask. You were bored already.
It's just a silly, childish notion, you say.
And this is where you are wrong.
Love is...
See, what an undescribable feeling it is!
It would only manifest itself in the realm of Magic, I say
Until you could draw me into your orbit
pull me in ways that are physical, mental, emotional and sexual
all at once, in a heartbeat
i'm afraid, your offer, to give me great pleasure, and a thousand orgasms,
is simply not tempting at all !

Heartbreak.

When those who least inspire me, shower me with love, and affection I don't need, my heart breaks. I feel a vein burst, every pulse exploding like a bomb. To feel the absurdity of such meaningless acts, is to feel like dying a thousand deaths, only to fail at dying itself. When those the least I value tell me they miss me, or need me, they make me want to puke, as if to spit out years of servitude and slavery; In moments like these, I pray the ground would open up, and swallow me. Because their admiration, is not desired, nor wanted. Or even asked for. Their adoration, a mere sandiwara of pretence, trickery and lies. I cannot bear this heartache, which is worse than a lover's last goodbye. Its texture rough and razor sharp, cutting at my chest. Squeezing at my throat. Tearing at my brains. It leaves deep, open scars, wounds that bleed unstoppable. Memories broken and divided. I wish to tell them all to leave; forget me, please. These unwanted actors masquerading as my suitors. Stop the charade, bring down the curtains, vacate the stage! For I cannot be borrowed nor bought; I cannot be persuaded, lulled, seduced or threatened to succumb. Even if all the stars in the sky were offered to me on a golden platter, I must go to that one soul my heart has chosen to die for.

Note: Artwork by Susan Loone.

Exist.

I permit YOU entry
into my WORLD
without even knowing
who YOU are
I envisioned YOU
and all you STAND for
before even knowing
your NAME
I adored you
from a DISTANCE
not knowing
which COUNTRY you came from
AND when you appeared
BEFORE me
how STUNNING you were!

You are not a DREAM
a FANTASY,
I conjured out of THIN air
every NIGHT you are the LIPS
I kissed
before I FELL asleep
so to have MET you
so SUDDENLY
out of TIMING, startled me
for I have LOVED you
DEEPLY
without even knowing
YOU exist.