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Friday, July 29, 2011

Diary of a suicide.

Jul 29, 2011

I'm breaking down
Like a spaceship would when it's sucked
into a dark hole
It is time like this when I wish
To leave on a one way ticket
To nowhere

Can I take leave from my physical body?
Can I walk out of my mind?
Can I abandon my soul and desert my heart?
Can I run far far away from life?

This is the year of total sadness
Where every attainment leads
To feelings of loss
Of being cruelly abandoned
Like a child in a forest
My soul has no place to rest
My spirit has been evicted
From its rightful abode

God, help me!
That I may not throw myself
over the cliff.

Jul 9, 2011.

I know this year hasn't ended yet. And yet I feel it has reached it's end.
This year is full of regrets, disappointment, sadness and hurt.
It feels as if a monster has reached deep into my ribs and pulled out my heart.
And in pulling it out, left it torn and bleeding.

This must be the year of the broken heart.

This is also the year that I feel old.
I do not usually feel this way.
I used to be a cheery gal. It takes very little to make me happy.
A teh tarik, a good book, a nice movie.
Maybe some paints and a canvas.

Most of the time, I just need some response and respect from the people that I love
especially friends, who profess to love me

This year, this does not happen.
For the first time, I feel such emptiness and regret.
I feel old, and useless and irrelevant.
I feel tired, exhausted, and even on a good day
I feel like a wreck.

Am I heading for a suicide?
Perhaps, I am already there.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


I don't believe in your bogeymen
Jews, Christians, Communists, Wahabis
You've been invoking their names
Whispering in my ears
But all I see in my nightmares are you
I have my own faith
I believe in myself
The more you threaten me
The more I cling to my faith
You say these bogeymen are out to colonise my country
that they would threaten my life, my security
My dreams, my livelihood
Then you throw my friends into jail
You detain even minors without trial
Your policemen beat up innocent people
Take their breath away with tear gas

Oh, don't get me started on all those who died
supposedly in your custody
Teohbenghock, Ahmadsarbaini, Aminulrasyid, Akugan,Baharudin
Do their lives mean nothing
Just a speck of dirt on your carpet?

You do nothing when prices of essential goods rise
You laugh when others are injured
You go on a shopping spree
when your citizens struggle
from hand to mouth

So when you say these bogeymen are out to get me
I just lie back and have a hearty laugh
You have become your own bogeymen
And you don't even know the difference.

Monday, July 18, 2011


Let me breathe you
into my lungs
with a passion
so powerful
I'm filled with tears

as if to guide you
into my soul
to become
my blood
race now to my heart
when you arrive
wait at the chambers
a door will open...

Enter my brains,
leave a dent in my thoughts
each footstep
piercing, conniving

you have colonised my mind
to believe only you
each waking moment
an adoration
of your name

how shall i describe you?
God, man or angel?

YOU are the most beautiful spirit
that ever walked this earth.

Penang, 4.26am, Jul 19.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


THEY had come for our shirts
our ties, our banners and flags
they will now come for our pens
writers and poets like us
should fear
but we do not

THE pen is mightier than the sword!

THICKER than blood, our ink
words sharper than knives
opinions carry rays that could sting
clear the thickest fog

SWORDS may slit our throats
slice our hearts outs
and leave scars open

BUT ink that flows
from the tips of our pens
could start a revolution

FOR the message
of freedom, justice
are etched in our hearts
for generations.

CAN you stop the flow of tide?
Or the earth from spinning?

NOTHING can stop
the flow of words
Planets of ideas
spiraling around the sun
like stars, though dead, would shine
a million light years away.

SO...bring on thy swords.

SWORDS may silent
dissenting voices
fears may grow
in hearts of men
Still our pens will never run dry.
Still our words will flow
until the last blood.

Penang, 5am, Jul 18.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

EO - is this law or is it politics?.

I am baffled, confused, bewildered, lost
how could anyone wage war against the king
by using t-shirts?
don’t they need guns, bullets and even bombs?
don’t they need to have an army, soldiers at least?

They were caught while travelling in a bus
They did not come in an army tank
They wore sandals, not thick black boots
They didn’t wear uniforms like your Light Strike Force!
All they had in their hands
were bottles of water
Not a riffle!
Not a hand grenade!
Not even a whistle!

Tell me, how can t-shirts and leaflets
mere textile and paper
topple the government?

Have our leaders gone crazy, psychotic, neurotic?
Are they paranoid?
Do they need psychiatric treatment?

Is the need to grip power, to rule this country
With iron bars and iron fists
For the next 50 years
Made all and sundry in Putrajaya
Go mad?

Are our leaders so weak, so demented, so frail
So insecured, so childish, such cowards?
That t-shirts and leaflets
Give them nightmares, illusions
Made them wet their pants and wet their beds?

Or are they so blind, color phobic
that yellow, the symbol for free polls
the colors of the royal garment and all its wonderful shades
blind them?

You may be blind, Sirs, you may be myopic
but tear gas and chemical laced water
unleashed on the people on Jul 9
meant to blur, to cause hurt, and paralyse their vision
have opened up their eyes!

Release the EO6! Let them go!
You have nothing on them!

Your charge is meaningless, illogical,insane
The law is devoid of all natural justice
There is no justice
In detention without trial.

Guilty before even proven!
Is this law or is this politics?

If t-shirts, leaflets alone can make you shiver
I have news for you, my dear Ministers
Wait till you hear the voice of a million bomb blast
Come the next GE…
It would be too late, too late!
Penang, 3.39pm, Jul 13, 2011, Susan Loone.

E06 is term used to describe the six Parti Sosialis Malaysia activists who are detained under the Emergency Ordinance, like the Internal Security Act, it allows for detention without trial. An archaic and draconian law left behind by the British colonialists.

The crime of EO6: public disorder, but they were merely on their way to Penang to attend a forum. They carried T-shirts (with Che Guevera's image, fashionable among youths, really) & leaflets, related to Bersih 2.0. This movement planned a big rally in KL on Jul 9, to demand for electoral reforms.

EO6 were nabbed at the Sungai Dua Toll complex and were accused of waging war against the king. But the king later gave Bersih 2.0 an audience, offering them the stadium. Prime Minister Najib Razak however did not even allow that, a clear demonstration of insulting the king.

Since the king has somehow endorsed Bersh 2.0, does the accusation of waging war against His Majesty still stick? If it doesn't, please release the EO6.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Jul 9.

Dedicated to the late Baharuddin Ahmad, a protester who died of a heart attack after being chased by police at the Kuala Lumpur City Centre. He was chased because he was part of the Bersih 2.0 rally on Jul 9. My heartfelt sympathies to his family, especially his wife, Rusni Melan from Setiawangsa. Though I may never know him, may his soul rest in peace.

I sacrificed my weekend
for the mere fantasy
of tasting
Instead of meeting
I encountered mayhem

I wish I had the gift
of disappearing
when you rained tear-gas
on me
Instead of gifts
for my bravery
You fired me with cannisters
and whipped me
when I ran
Thank God
the sky open-up
and poured its mercy
on me
I took shelter in a hospital
I thought you would retreat
And still you came for me.

You chased me like a dog
You dragged me across the streets
as if I was a criminal
You kicked me
pulled my shirt
You could have asked me:
Why I'm here
I would have told you.
I would have cried
I am one of you
to see my country .
in such
a sorry shape.

But you were too intent
on hurting me
You could have moved away
when I was coming
You could have been my guide
to a refuge
safe and free from tears

But like an unbridled
Angry and insane
I was pulled
into a never ending journey
in which you stood.

Bold and arrogant
flanked by trucks and water cannons
every creature
that walked the street
that day
had to shy or run away.

You should have looked away
You being human
Would one day come to need
This freedom, too.

Or did you think
that it is I
who should have fled at once?

If you had left
You could have halted
a major warfare
and gave this country
a fragrant name

But orders came
from one above
So you stayed.
You lingered.
And waited with bated breath.

You let me come quite hopefully
Infront of you

And then, you unleashed your terror.

Susan Loone, Penang, Jul 10, 2011, 2.43pm.

Saturday, July 9, 2011


"I sacrificed my soul
for the sheer ecstasy
of laying my sights on you
But now...
I wish I never knew
Of your existence

I wish I did not have
the gift of sight
and hearing
to have found you
so endearing.

You could have moved away
when I was coming
Or...was it I
who stumbled upon your path?
As if drawn
by an unstoppable force
as if blindfolded
into a never ending road
in which you stood.

Bright and brilliant.
Bold and beautiful
That even the golden rays
of the burning sun
had to shy away from you.

You should have turned away
averted your eyes
took flight
exited the nearest door

Or should I be the one
to flee at once?

You could have thwarted
a major pandemonium
of my battered heart.

But you did not.
You gleefully stayed.
with bated breath.

You let me fall quite hopelessly.
Into you.

And then you laughed".

Susan Loone, Penang, 2.00am, Jul 10, 2011.

Why do you have to meet someone who impacts you so much. Only to be left behind as if the episode of your acquaintance had never happened?

Friday, July 8, 2011


Bring on the tears gas,
Water cannons
Riffles, batons,
And handcuffs.
Bring on your shackles
Drag us through
The streets of KL
See us bleed
See us scream
But you’ll never see us cry

Bring on your evil threats
Coward’s smile
You can do anything,
But you cannot
Quell our voices
Kill our courage
Suppress our spirit
These wings of justice.

For we are free!
Free People!
Brave hearts!
Truth is our master!
Not you!

Bring on your might
Your terror,
Your laws
Bring on your spite.
Nothing can quell the right!

Susan Loone, Penang, 2.50pm, Jul 9, 2011.

Read the story behind this poem here:


May the universe
be kind
pour forth thy tears
cool those heartless
May raindrops
fall on parched lips
drench those empty souls
blow mighty, swift
wrap those angry bodies
make them warm
Sun, shine brilliant
blot out those cruel
fill their thoughts
with love
for freedom
Shine! glitter! blaze!
Blur their vision
Until they see
but a sea of change
sweeping the whole city

Susan Loone. Penang, Jul 9, 1.24am.

Note: Only a few hours away to the mighty rally. Jul 9 would be a wonderful day to remember, whatever the outcome. The world sits and watches. There would be 24 rallies in solidarity with Bersih 2.0 worldwide.

Instead of joining in the fun, PM Najib Razak has left the country in the hands of the IGP (police). To maintain order or to create chaos? One shall have to wait and see.

I just wish and pray that the police personnel, those who have families, friends, and those whose hearts are yet to be corrupted - may see the light. Perhaps, their hearts too are longing for change. I pray with all my heart and soul that someday our men and women in blue would stand on the side of the people.

I pray they would be merciful to the Bersih 2.0 protestors tomorrow.

This poem is a prayer that the Universe may pour forth the water of kindness and truthfulness into their hearts and soul. To open their minds and eyes, and to realise that they too are a part of the rakyat, and we are with them.

ps. We do pay for their salaries with our hard earned money!

Goodnight for now, and see you later :-)

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Am I a refugee
In my own country
Hounded, searched, trailed
and probed?
Questioned, jailed
punished, tortured
Spat upon, sneered at
Forced to strip,
left naked,
Hungry and thirsty?

Tell me:
What is my crime?
Spell it out!
Charge me in court!
Don't hide me here
In your smelly dungeons
Then call me cowards!

Should I flee
like a refugee?
From my own country?
Should I leave behind this
Godforsaken land?
The grass is greener
The sun shines brighter
On the other side.

My heart holds me back
My future needs me
The cries of my people
say "don't go".

I'm not a refugee
In my own country
I am the sons
and daughters of the soil
The sands and hills
On which my parents toiled
for generations
with their bare bloody hands.

Susan Loone, Penang, 12.56am, Jul 8, 2011.

Note: Please read the story behind this poem here.


Go! Go! To the mighty river
I go
Drink from the water of life
I shall
Embrace the colors of dawn
I must
The journey is long
I know
The enemy is nigh
I see
Courage, come now
My guiding light be
I'll follow the signposts of justice
Arrive in peace
I will.
So fear me not.

Note: The Bersih 2.0 rally on Saturday (Jul 9) for electoral reforms is only hours away. Many of my friends and acquaintances would brave police threat and government abuse to join the event. All they want to do is express solidarity and fight for clean and fair elections. Is that so wrong?

PM Najib, like the Monarch, could have handled the matter gracefully. But Najib chose to use brute force. Worst still, he is leaving everything in the hands of the police and going overseas tomorrow. Is that responsible? Anyway, Malaysia is now officially a police state, going by all the arrests and crackdown over the past two weeks.

This simple poem is dedicated to all those who would brave the storm and join the rally on Saturday. May the force be with you. May courage be your guiding light. And if the monsters put bars around you, remember, truth, only truth will set you free.

March on fellas!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Eureka !

"i have found you! i have found you!
the thought alone excites me
to know you exist in this part of the world
is a thought so amazing, divine
we breathe the same air, sleep under same stars
that is why, I had always felt you near
We may never touch base
but i know that you live, oh god, you're alive!
in this lifetime with me, on the same planet
similar time zones, only three hours away.
how precious you are, how beautiful
that i almost couldn't recognise you
but to meet you again, to be with you,
is an incredible feeling, one that surpasses
all the happiness i have known.
how i love you! adore you!
i feel like exploding
inside my heart's core
can i keep you, could i lose you?
it doesn't matter anymore.
you are alive, alive! and you are here".

susanloone, 6.34 pm, Jul 5, 2011, Penang.

Monday, July 4, 2011


In times of great oppression
I must never keep silent
For silence is surely consent
A YES! to persecute violate
An OK! to abuse and lies.

Speak my people, speak!
Let your voices fill each home
Each street
Let the shouts of freedom
Leave no nook or corner
stone or stick

In times of great suppression
Your silence will only spell doom
Fear not!
Bring out the drums
Ring the bells
Let the cymbals clash

In times of great distress
Empower, yes!
Freedom of the press

Cry, sing, dance!
Let a billion heartbeats

Together, let's scream!
Cruel creature!
Ugly beast!
Your time is up!
It's over!

At the time of writing this, I am saddened that Bersih organisers are again called into submission. The rally on Jul 9 may be called off, but will our hearts stop beating?

Susan Loone, Penang, 3.45am, JUL 5.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Awake & fight!

Darkness has descended upon our nation
sadness has overwhelmed our hearts
madness has seized the minds of our leaders
it's time to wake up & fight.
Empty the closets of apathy
bring forth the weapons of courage
gather all ye soldiers of peace
arise for the monster is nigh!

Awake! tarry no more!
fight with all your might
till the last of your spirit and breath
blow over all evil and harm
Flow! flow! the blood of righteousness flow
Awash this misery and sins
may our blood become the mighty floods
drowning, drowning the unjust!

my people, the time for slumber is over
wake up! go forth! carry the banner of justice!
march! fill the streets with the colors
of the bright brialliant sun
for victory is nigh.
for victory is ours!
tarry no more!

penang, Jul 3, 2011.

Note: The manner in which Prime Minister Najib Razak has handled the Bersih 2.0 issue has deeply angered me. Initially, I was not too keen on Bersih, too. The idea of asking the king to intervene in a democratic process for and by the people (elections) to me was rather a backward kind of thinking. The color yellow itself connotes and represents feelings and situations such as "slavery, submission, fear and cowardise". However, in the face of extreme injustice - the police crackdown on anything remotely Bersih - makes me take a stand. We must not be neutral in the face of cruelty or else we would be siding with the Oppressor. Hence this poem, and the need for the fighting spirit to take flight.

Now the king has asked all sides to “lay down arms”. His Majesty has somehow ticked off Najib and his administration for the handling of the matter. Even if Bersih calls off its march on July 9, it would still have claimed moral victory. Najib, shame on you. Only a weak leader would resort to such monstrous responses to citizens merely excercising their rights in the country’s Constitution.

Najib appears to want to be even on top of the highest law of the land. The police, with salaries paid by citizens, have taken the side of the Oppressor. It does not bode well at all for our nation. The arrests of PSM Sungai Siput MP D Jeyakumar and others under the Emergency Ordinance for causing public disorder is madness.

I am optimistic though that justice would prevail. In history all dictators will succumb to people’s power. Sacrifices have to be made but at the end of the day, the power, warmth and the sting of the rising sun would blot out all evil. Be ready for the day, my friends. Because the time is near.