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Friday, July 29, 2011

Diary of a suicide.

Jul 29, 2011

I'm breaking down
Like a spaceship would when it's sucked
into a dark hole
It is time like this when I wish
To leave on a one way ticket
To nowhere

Can I take leave from my physical body?
Can I walk out of my mind?
Can I abandon my soul and desert my heart?
Can I run far far away from life?

This is the year of total sadness
Where every attainment leads
To feelings of loss
Of being cruelly abandoned
Like a child in a forest
My soul has no place to rest
My spirit has been evicted
From its rightful abode

God, help me!
That I may not throw myself
over the cliff.

Jul 9, 2011.

I know this year hasn't ended yet. And yet I feel it has reached it's end.
This year is full of regrets, disappointment, sadness and hurt.
It feels as if a monster has reached deep into my ribs and pulled out my heart.
And in pulling it out, left it torn and bleeding.

This must be the year of the broken heart.

This is also the year that I feel old.
I do not usually feel this way.
I used to be a cheery gal. It takes very little to make me happy.
A teh tarik, a good book, a nice movie.
Maybe some paints and a canvas.

Most of the time, I just need some response and respect from the people that I love
especially friends, who profess to love me

This year, this does not happen.
For the first time, I feel such emptiness and regret.
I feel old, and useless and irrelevant.
I feel tired, exhausted, and even on a good day
I feel like a wreck.

Am I heading for a suicide?
Perhaps, I am already there.

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